this is my third attempt to start a blog post. i have no idea what the fuck i should write. umm its 2010 now and whats happend to me over a year
- i have traveled with a friend
- two people who i saw as good friends are no longer my friends.
- i smoked pot
- i lost my faith compleatly in christianity.
- i feel in love (its true although im hesatent to say it cause there is always the doubt that young people really know what love is)
- i got drunk and climbed a roof
- i bunjee jumped
- i got grounded for helping a friend ( it was worth it)
- i kissed in the rain ( was on my list of things to do before i die so yes this is important :P)
- i cry'ed in a friends arms
- i had a friend cry in my arms
- i made new friends
- i felt like i have made new enemies
- i pissed people off
- i made people laugh
- i danced
- i loved
- i laughed
- i hated
- i ranted
- i cry'ed
- i raged
- i smiled
- i drank irn bru
- I LIVED
Sunday, January 03, 2010
Thursday, December 24, 2009
weird dream
today is christmas eve and i had a very odd dream last night. so a bunch of people and i were in vancouver. it was all the orginal sc crew. before stupid things started being said and friends started disowning each other. anyway it was christmas eve in my dream and all of us were on the bus trying to get home for christmas. but well catching the last cty bus to the ferry. i saw this one very dirty and extreamly young skinny lady put a five year old girl on the bus. she bent down to the girl and said "stay on this bus till you get to the final stop, then get on the ferry. your dad will pick you up on the other side". then the mother (who looked like a hooker in all honesy in my dream) got off the bus.
my friend karebear was sitting beside me on the bus and made some comment about not likeing kids and being dissapointed that we had to sit beside one during the whole bus ride to the ferry. i on the other hand was wondering what kind of mother would just ditch her child on the bus heading to the ferry well going downtown vancouver. (like i said this was an odd dream). during the bus ride in my dream i sat beside this child during most of the ride. and played with her, and amused her. then we got to the ferry. but well still on the bus. i realized that the girl did not have her shoes on. and all my friends had run off the bus without in a rush to get tickets for the most recent ferry. i quickly helped the girl put on her shoes and grab her backpack. then asked her were her jacket was, considering it is winter and she would be cold and all. The girl said that she did not have a jacket. i mumbled something under my breath about bad parenting i do not remember what it was.
i then told the girl that we would have to get off the bus and walk iver and buy some tickets to get on the ferry. when we finaly got to the booth. i asked the girl where the money was that her mom gave her to get on the ferry?. she surched her pockets and backpack and said that her mom must have not given her money cause there was none there. so i pulled out my visa and paid for both of us. thinking im not going to ditch a child at the ferry terminal cause either A) she lost her money or B) mostlikley her mom did not give her money in the first place.
i was also thinking in my dream well this was happening that there was a chance that sence she is meeting her father on the other side he could maybe pay me back for the ferry ticket. the next thing i know in my dream i hear someone yell "stop police". then i get arrested in my dream cause apperently the girl on the bus was kidnapped and was missing. and the police in my dream think that i kidnapped her.
then after being cuffed i wake up from this dream..
it was weird. what the hell was that dream saying?
my friend karebear was sitting beside me on the bus and made some comment about not likeing kids and being dissapointed that we had to sit beside one during the whole bus ride to the ferry. i on the other hand was wondering what kind of mother would just ditch her child on the bus heading to the ferry well going downtown vancouver. (like i said this was an odd dream). during the bus ride in my dream i sat beside this child during most of the ride. and played with her, and amused her. then we got to the ferry. but well still on the bus. i realized that the girl did not have her shoes on. and all my friends had run off the bus without in a rush to get tickets for the most recent ferry. i quickly helped the girl put on her shoes and grab her backpack. then asked her were her jacket was, considering it is winter and she would be cold and all. The girl said that she did not have a jacket. i mumbled something under my breath about bad parenting i do not remember what it was.
i then told the girl that we would have to get off the bus and walk iver and buy some tickets to get on the ferry. when we finaly got to the booth. i asked the girl where the money was that her mom gave her to get on the ferry?. she surched her pockets and backpack and said that her mom must have not given her money cause there was none there. so i pulled out my visa and paid for both of us. thinking im not going to ditch a child at the ferry terminal cause either A) she lost her money or B) mostlikley her mom did not give her money in the first place.
i was also thinking in my dream well this was happening that there was a chance that sence she is meeting her father on the other side he could maybe pay me back for the ferry ticket. the next thing i know in my dream i hear someone yell "stop police". then i get arrested in my dream cause apperently the girl on the bus was kidnapped and was missing. and the police in my dream think that i kidnapped her.
then after being cuffed i wake up from this dream..
it was weird. what the hell was that dream saying?
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
update
yay winter break i am done my exams!!! i desperatly need a break. the sad thing is yes i am very exsited about christmas but thats not what im most exsited about. what im most exsited about is the fact that i get to sleep in more now. no more waking up at 6:50am to bus into victoria till january 6th.
its funny. their are about 8 presents under the three right now, and all of them are from me. i think its because im the person who likes to put the presents that i buy under the tree right away it makes the room look more christmasy, well my parents like to wait till it is even closer till christmas to put them under the tree.
today was also my last day at this practicum, i felt sad leaving. all the children in the practicum ended up singing me a good bye song. im going to miss them. also the my sponser educators gave me a christmas card and huged me good bye. they said if when i graduate i ever need refurances to get a job i am more then welcome to use their name, and that i am also more then welcome to come and visit them anytime as long as i am not to busy with school and my other practicum.
i also found out that when i graduate with ecce here it transfurs perfectly to be an ecce in england. so if i wanted i could go and work in england for a year. i think this would be really cool. The way that this degree works is after two years and graduating you get your licence to practice. then you have a year to get a cirten number of hours done, you need to get these hours done to keep your licence and also to get the licence to run your own preschool. i was thinking you know instead of staying here i could go and get thoes hours in another country that would be cool. i was orginally thinking when i graduate i would go volunteer in an orphanage in another country but i dont think that counts for the actual hours i will need to get unfrotinitly. so i have to work for a year. and if i do that i might as well go work in another country. i am thinking of seeing if it is the same in scotland. because the uk is pretty the same from what i know. it would be realy cool to go and get an appartment and work in scotland for a year as a preschool teacher and then come back if that was possible.
also addy, if i did that then i would be in the uk around the same time you would because we graduate the same year, you would be in the navy and i would be teaching little children. funny. although you will be able to stay and i would be going back home in a year.
so this is what im thinking, it would be cool.
this is all thats new with me. im glad i get a break
its funny. their are about 8 presents under the three right now, and all of them are from me. i think its because im the person who likes to put the presents that i buy under the tree right away it makes the room look more christmasy, well my parents like to wait till it is even closer till christmas to put them under the tree.
today was also my last day at this practicum, i felt sad leaving. all the children in the practicum ended up singing me a good bye song. im going to miss them. also the my sponser educators gave me a christmas card and huged me good bye. they said if when i graduate i ever need refurances to get a job i am more then welcome to use their name, and that i am also more then welcome to come and visit them anytime as long as i am not to busy with school and my other practicum.
i also found out that when i graduate with ecce here it transfurs perfectly to be an ecce in england. so if i wanted i could go and work in england for a year. i think this would be really cool. The way that this degree works is after two years and graduating you get your licence to practice. then you have a year to get a cirten number of hours done, you need to get these hours done to keep your licence and also to get the licence to run your own preschool. i was thinking you know instead of staying here i could go and get thoes hours in another country that would be cool. i was orginally thinking when i graduate i would go volunteer in an orphanage in another country but i dont think that counts for the actual hours i will need to get unfrotinitly. so i have to work for a year. and if i do that i might as well go work in another country. i am thinking of seeing if it is the same in scotland. because the uk is pretty the same from what i know. it would be realy cool to go and get an appartment and work in scotland for a year as a preschool teacher and then come back if that was possible.
also addy, if i did that then i would be in the uk around the same time you would because we graduate the same year, you would be in the navy and i would be teaching little children. funny. although you will be able to stay and i would be going back home in a year.
so this is what im thinking, it would be cool.
this is all thats new with me. im glad i get a break
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
agg, preschool stories
a story from a preschool. due to confidentiality i cannot say actual names or the place but i can do enitails.
so there is this boy ill call him x. and another boy in the preschool ill call him y. so x is new to the preschoo. he is a nice boy, a little quiet but his one challange is that he does not know how to express himself when people are buging him or getting in his way so he will push or hit them. We are working on getting him to use his words and he is honestly getting better there are less hittings and shoving happening in the preschool and more space sharing and all around friendly ness.
then there is boy y. boy y is an only child, clearly spoiled. and if i was not supposed to be more professional when working with children i would call him a brat. he has thrown his food around, spat gum on the floor (i dont know why his parents gave him gum) and likes to have lots of attention. he actually pulled his penis out of his pants the other day and ran up to children yelling look at me, which ill admit was a little bit funny but still.
anyway. so y and x are playing today and i am watching them but then this little girl got pant all over her hands and i had to help her go to the bathroom and wash her hands. when im done helping her and we come out of the bathroom y comes running up to me saying that x has hit him. so i go up to x and i talk with him i explain how we are not going to hit our friends because preschoo is a safe place. x says he did not hit y. i dont know what to say at this point becasue i did not actually see anyone hit the other person, but x is a hitter and a pusher. so i have a talk about making a friend feel better, and how we dont hurt our friends. x apologises and y smiles and walks off.
then later in the day i see y running through the class room with siccors waving them around well he runs. i see him doing it and i take his hands crouch down to his eye level and explain how its not safe to run with siccors. y looks and me and yells "x did it". it is at this point after i talk with my sponser educator that i learn that y has been tatleing on x all day for things that x has not doen, but its a way for y to get attention. becasue he has picked up on the fact that x has been hitting people and y can blame him for things.
i feel bad for most of the practicum after that. cause i remeber what it is like to be a kid who gets accused for something i did not do, and how much it sucked when the teacher did not belive. and then i just did that exsact thing. but i also understand how it is hard to see everything. but still, x apologized when he did not have to becasue y was pointing fingers and i belived y.
dang.
so there is this boy ill call him x. and another boy in the preschool ill call him y. so x is new to the preschoo. he is a nice boy, a little quiet but his one challange is that he does not know how to express himself when people are buging him or getting in his way so he will push or hit them. We are working on getting him to use his words and he is honestly getting better there are less hittings and shoving happening in the preschool and more space sharing and all around friendly ness.
then there is boy y. boy y is an only child, clearly spoiled. and if i was not supposed to be more professional when working with children i would call him a brat. he has thrown his food around, spat gum on the floor (i dont know why his parents gave him gum) and likes to have lots of attention. he actually pulled his penis out of his pants the other day and ran up to children yelling look at me, which ill admit was a little bit funny but still.
anyway. so y and x are playing today and i am watching them but then this little girl got pant all over her hands and i had to help her go to the bathroom and wash her hands. when im done helping her and we come out of the bathroom y comes running up to me saying that x has hit him. so i go up to x and i talk with him i explain how we are not going to hit our friends because preschoo is a safe place. x says he did not hit y. i dont know what to say at this point becasue i did not actually see anyone hit the other person, but x is a hitter and a pusher. so i have a talk about making a friend feel better, and how we dont hurt our friends. x apologises and y smiles and walks off.
then later in the day i see y running through the class room with siccors waving them around well he runs. i see him doing it and i take his hands crouch down to his eye level and explain how its not safe to run with siccors. y looks and me and yells "x did it". it is at this point after i talk with my sponser educator that i learn that y has been tatleing on x all day for things that x has not doen, but its a way for y to get attention. becasue he has picked up on the fact that x has been hitting people and y can blame him for things.
i feel bad for most of the practicum after that. cause i remeber what it is like to be a kid who gets accused for something i did not do, and how much it sucked when the teacher did not belive. and then i just did that exsact thing. but i also understand how it is hard to see everything. but still, x apologized when he did not have to becasue y was pointing fingers and i belived y.
dang.
Monday, December 07, 2009
its time for a less depressing blog. so update. that class where i got a bad mark i got a test back from it and got 100% on the test im going to say that, that is fucking awesome. christmas is getting closer and i am still a little kid and am getting exsited. as for shopping i have so far bought some friends presents, my dad a present but im getting him another, my mom a present but im spliting that one with mark and i want one to be just from me so im getting another, and one for mark and if i can find something else that looks interesting to him then i will buy him a second present also. oh oh and today i got a ginger bread house and i am totaly setting it up on wednesday that should be fun.
and i convinced my mom that we need to go and get a christmas tree this weekend so we will be doing that, and i really wanna put more decorations up to make that house more awesome.
im also hopeing that i will be the one who gets to set up the manger this year, cause my dad sets it up wrong when he does it. he puts the animals outside the manger and the people in, when the people are clearly supposed to be outside and the animals in. i mean common a women shows up to a barn to give birth they are not going to kick all the animals out in time before she goes into agonizing labour. her screams might scare them out, but i am sure animals have heard weirder things in their life time.
so hopefully more chrstmas things will be set up, winter break starts soon this is my last week of school for this semester it makes me ever so happy, i mean i am enjoying my classes but i really could use a break. im also going to tell my boss that i dont want extra hours because like i said i need a break, i hate going strait from fulltime school onto full time work it makes me so tired and stressed. i actually stated developing an eye twitch in the summer i was getting so tired and stressed from always working especially right after school. i think i hid it pretty well and it disapeared right after i went to san fransico on vaction. started to come back in the begining of the school year and shows up every once and a while but not that much and i hope that it stays that way.
that is why i need a break, and christmas with good friedns and awesome family is the perfect way for me to get a break.
merry christmas everyone
and i convinced my mom that we need to go and get a christmas tree this weekend so we will be doing that, and i really wanna put more decorations up to make that house more awesome.
im also hopeing that i will be the one who gets to set up the manger this year, cause my dad sets it up wrong when he does it. he puts the animals outside the manger and the people in, when the people are clearly supposed to be outside and the animals in. i mean common a women shows up to a barn to give birth they are not going to kick all the animals out in time before she goes into agonizing labour. her screams might scare them out, but i am sure animals have heard weirder things in their life time.
so hopefully more chrstmas things will be set up, winter break starts soon this is my last week of school for this semester it makes me ever so happy, i mean i am enjoying my classes but i really could use a break. im also going to tell my boss that i dont want extra hours because like i said i need a break, i hate going strait from fulltime school onto full time work it makes me so tired and stressed. i actually stated developing an eye twitch in the summer i was getting so tired and stressed from always working especially right after school. i think i hid it pretty well and it disapeared right after i went to san fransico on vaction. started to come back in the begining of the school year and shows up every once and a while but not that much and i hope that it stays that way.
that is why i need a break, and christmas with good friedns and awesome family is the perfect way for me to get a break.
merry christmas everyone
Saturday, November 28, 2009
i hate the school system
i have come to the conclusion that the school system is shit.
why is it that when i try really hard with a paper, i get it back and i get an F. but then when i compleatly and uterly bullshit a paper without actually doing the work. not to mention typing it up the night before when i get that paper back i get 86% on it.
does this seem wrong here to anyone else?
work= f
bull shit= A
hmm no no wonder todays youth is not really learning anything in this education system. well strike that we are learning something. but its not the material that we are supposed to be learning. what we are learning is how bullshit our way into getting good grades. how to say something that sounds an A rather then doing something that deserves an A. saying what the teachers whant to hear and getting a good grade, or putting in the effort and getting a bad grade.
the system is fucked. if i have learned anything this week it is that hard work does not seem to pay off in the education system. even though it should. what pays of is manipulation and knowing what to say and when to say it.
because in the end of the day. it appears that the only way to get good grades is to bullshit you way throught it.
why is it that when i try really hard with a paper, i get it back and i get an F. but then when i compleatly and uterly bullshit a paper without actually doing the work. not to mention typing it up the night before when i get that paper back i get 86% on it.
does this seem wrong here to anyone else?
work= f
bull shit= A
hmm no no wonder todays youth is not really learning anything in this education system. well strike that we are learning something. but its not the material that we are supposed to be learning. what we are learning is how bullshit our way into getting good grades. how to say something that sounds an A rather then doing something that deserves an A. saying what the teachers whant to hear and getting a good grade, or putting in the effort and getting a bad grade.
the system is fucked. if i have learned anything this week it is that hard work does not seem to pay off in the education system. even though it should. what pays of is manipulation and knowing what to say and when to say it.
because in the end of the day. it appears that the only way to get good grades is to bullshit you way throught it.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
fuck my school life
my face is streaked with tears and i feel like im going to throw up. no its not because im sick. its not even because i lost someone close to me. i just having a really bad fucking day. i feel like the shit is hitting the fan majourly. so this is how my day goes i wake up after a good nights sleep everything feels good. i pack my bag head downstairs and grab some food and go to turn on my computer. and guess what it is fucked up. the screen is all pixalaited and i cant do anything,. i officially hate pc laptops and am going to spend my money on a mac even if that causes me to be out 2 thousand dollers at least that way ill have a fucking computer that knows how to fucking work. then i get up to the bus stop. well waiting there i realize shit i forgot my text book. with no time to run back to my house and grab it i figure i can do without it for a day. then when i get to school today i look in my bag and i forgot my felt story, so i need to borrow one from the teacher for our group recordings. today we had to record ourself reading a story to our peers for our teacher to review and give us some tips before we actually do it in the feild.
after this i go to lunch and i start to feel a bit better. this is because originally i thought i had five papers due next week but cause classes got switched around i know only have four. which means less work for me. and i can type up the two papers that i have not yet done on the desktop that we have at home. i also get a paper back from a class that has a b grade. which makes me happy. and makes me less stressed out about my grades. then my last class comes around. and i get a paper back at the end of that class. thinking that i did a good job on this paper i flip to the back eagerly to see my mark. and what do i see...a fucking F. why the hell did i get an F. well i want to say its because my teacher is a stupid fucking bitch, but when i look at the grading system she says its because i did not include my observations.
is she blind they are stapled right to the fucking page. she said they were rough drafts so she did not mark them as observations, because they were hand writen. well i would understand anyother time getting a bad mark in a post secondary insitution for handing in something hand writiten this pisses me off becuase earlier she said that it was better if it was handed in hand writen that way she knows that we actually did the fucking observations instead of just bullshiting it and typing it up. and now because mine happen to be hand writen she give me an f? does this not seem unfair to anyone else.
so im upset. so much so that i feel like im going to throw up, like im not good enough. i mean i have been buged and teased enough by friends saying how easy this two year course to be a preschool teacher must be. so how stupid do i feel if i cant even get a good mark in this, how stupid am i if i cant get good marks in this. i feel like a fucking retard, like a looser. if i cant do this how am i ever going to amount to any career. i fear that i will be one of thoes people stuck in shitty part time jobs for the rest of my life. and thats not me, thats not what i want to do. if im going to be here on this planet i want a job that actually has an effect on the world. one where i make no a difference. and working in some shitty part time job does not make a fucking difference in the world. teaching would if i can get fucking good grades. and jobs that my friends want to get into would like
karen,: she writes and she wants to be in the navy, at least there she will be making a difference. same with addy, and josh who is going to be a history teacher.
all these people get decent grades and are doing well why arnt i what the fuck is wrong with me, why do i feel so stupid and uncapable right now. im thinking about previous years i had in college like when i took some history courses how come i was able to get b+'s in thoees course and not in a fucking early childhood course. what is up with this. and i think and think about other things that interest me and getting some sort of degree in history, or art history sound pretty fucking awesome. i dont know how much of a difference it would make but it sounds cool. but then there is this little voice saying if you switch degress again your just a quiter, your giving up. you already did that once to your parents and now your going to do it again. i feel even worse switching and getting bad marks cause its my parents money not mine.
they saved and saved and saved so that i could get an good education and when i get bad marks it feels like im just slapping them across the face. i mean it would be different if i was spending my own money for school but im not, i dont have that money.
and now i feel helpless, and stupid and like a failure, im doing bad in two courses. even though i feel like im trying.
i dont know what to do, part of me say switch programs to history thats something you really find interesting. other say dont if you do your just a quiter and youll be costing your parents to much fucking money. and you will have waisted your time. another part of me says i should just struggle through this semester live with whatever marks i get and then take a year off to go traveling but then there is the voice saying its too late to do that, and you dont really have enough money. and once again you will be letting your parents down.
i really dont know what to do. like i said i feel like a failure and a disapointment.
i traped under a rock of bad grades
overall this has just been a really shitty day!!
after this i go to lunch and i start to feel a bit better. this is because originally i thought i had five papers due next week but cause classes got switched around i know only have four. which means less work for me. and i can type up the two papers that i have not yet done on the desktop that we have at home. i also get a paper back from a class that has a b grade. which makes me happy. and makes me less stressed out about my grades. then my last class comes around. and i get a paper back at the end of that class. thinking that i did a good job on this paper i flip to the back eagerly to see my mark. and what do i see...a fucking F. why the hell did i get an F. well i want to say its because my teacher is a stupid fucking bitch, but when i look at the grading system she says its because i did not include my observations.
is she blind they are stapled right to the fucking page. she said they were rough drafts so she did not mark them as observations, because they were hand writen. well i would understand anyother time getting a bad mark in a post secondary insitution for handing in something hand writiten this pisses me off becuase earlier she said that it was better if it was handed in hand writen that way she knows that we actually did the fucking observations instead of just bullshiting it and typing it up. and now because mine happen to be hand writen she give me an f? does this not seem unfair to anyone else.
so im upset. so much so that i feel like im going to throw up, like im not good enough. i mean i have been buged and teased enough by friends saying how easy this two year course to be a preschool teacher must be. so how stupid do i feel if i cant even get a good mark in this, how stupid am i if i cant get good marks in this. i feel like a fucking retard, like a looser. if i cant do this how am i ever going to amount to any career. i fear that i will be one of thoes people stuck in shitty part time jobs for the rest of my life. and thats not me, thats not what i want to do. if im going to be here on this planet i want a job that actually has an effect on the world. one where i make no a difference. and working in some shitty part time job does not make a fucking difference in the world. teaching would if i can get fucking good grades. and jobs that my friends want to get into would like
karen,: she writes and she wants to be in the navy, at least there she will be making a difference. same with addy, and josh who is going to be a history teacher.
all these people get decent grades and are doing well why arnt i what the fuck is wrong with me, why do i feel so stupid and uncapable right now. im thinking about previous years i had in college like when i took some history courses how come i was able to get b+'s in thoees course and not in a fucking early childhood course. what is up with this. and i think and think about other things that interest me and getting some sort of degree in history, or art history sound pretty fucking awesome. i dont know how much of a difference it would make but it sounds cool. but then there is this little voice saying if you switch degress again your just a quiter, your giving up. you already did that once to your parents and now your going to do it again. i feel even worse switching and getting bad marks cause its my parents money not mine.
they saved and saved and saved so that i could get an good education and when i get bad marks it feels like im just slapping them across the face. i mean it would be different if i was spending my own money for school but im not, i dont have that money.
and now i feel helpless, and stupid and like a failure, im doing bad in two courses. even though i feel like im trying.
i dont know what to do, part of me say switch programs to history thats something you really find interesting. other say dont if you do your just a quiter and youll be costing your parents to much fucking money. and you will have waisted your time. another part of me says i should just struggle through this semester live with whatever marks i get and then take a year off to go traveling but then there is the voice saying its too late to do that, and you dont really have enough money. and once again you will be letting your parents down.
i really dont know what to do. like i said i feel like a failure and a disapointment.
i traped under a rock of bad grades
overall this has just been a really shitty day!!
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