my wondering mind

i find it interesting how our minds skip from one topic to the next here is an example for me how i was thinking at work:


owww my sholder blade hurts.
i think i pulled a muscel
its getting better hopefully it stays that way
i google sholder blade pain and two main things came up although i dont trust google i have one of two things happend. either
a) i pulled a muscel, or
b) i have cancer

i highly doubt its cancer considering that google is not a doctor and also considering the fact that it does not hurt as much as it did two days ago it cant be cancer.
cause according to google it can only be cancer if it stays the way it is or gets worse.
stupid google thinking i have cancer.
that would really suck if i had cancer.
i would hate to go through all that treatment.
what would happen if i got cancer and then was told i only had a month or less to live. like that guy in the movie one week.
i dont know what i would do...but i wonder how many people would be sad about me dieing.
well i know people will be sad but what would be the depth of their sadness.
who would cry???? would karen cry she never crys but i think she would cry.
would addy cry...i think so also but i can also see her just having alot of rage.
i have no idea what shannon or chris' reactions would be...they would be sad, i hope. but would chris cry...i dont see him crying. not because it was me but because i just cant picture him crying.
now would shannon show rage or sadness....i donno.
fiona would be sad i know that for sure.
what about matt....oh god i dont want to think about that

why am i thinking about peoples reactions if i were to die. why does it make me happy to think of them being sad over the fact if i died.

i think its because knowing that they are sad over me being gone in a weird sort of way deffinitly shows how loved i am. even though i know that im loved.

love is a word that gets thrown around way to offten. and it is losing its purpose. i myself am guilty of doing this even though i try not to. even with simple things like i love my convertable. oh man i really have to practise driving more so i can drive that car. then i have to get my full licence. but that costs money. and i want my money to go towards california with fiona. so we can have fun and dress like hippies. that will be fun. i like being a hippy even though it annoys will.

sometimes its fun annoying will i should stop doing that. i know sometimes i cross the line and get away with it just because im a girl. which is stupid i should stop doing that and start considering things. okay zeppelinphan try not to annoy william.....as much. cause i feel bad when i annoy him. and then he retaliates. and then matt trys to defend me. then william is mad at both of us...and matt seems mad at him. thats not good. i feel like im damaging there friendship. i never want to be that girl friend that damages friendships. i allways hated thoes girls. so i dont wanna be one of the people i hate...

owww my sholder still hurts

fuck my mind

i am starting to wonder if i can take some classes to get me to calm the fuck down and stop over reacting. i am one of thoes people who always thinks up the worst possible senerio. i will give you an example of this.

say im walking home (i walked home alot in high school so shut up this works) and well im walking home this a car behind me starts to slow down. now most normal people in this world would start to think hmm well sence my house is near the ferries. they are probs slowing down to get to the ferries or to make the turn off. or maybe they are slowing down to ask directions. or maybe they live up around here and they are slowing down to turn up their drive way. but no no no none of that goes in zeppelinphans mind right away because i am the pro at overacting. the thoughts that go on in my head are. why the fuck is a car slowing down behind me. what does the driver want. maybe i should not get to close to the car..girls do get abducted.

and all these other weird senerios i used to start thinking where if it was a creeper in the car slwoing down behind me i would think in detail weather it was better to try to run to a house near by but then oh no i dont know how the people in thoes houses maybe they are creepers also..then id be fucked even more. and what if the creeper in the house and in the car know each other then i am so dead.

and my over thinking like this would actually escalade untill i got home. and i would realize wow im fucked.

i do this whole overthinking senerio shit with my friends. when i cant hear from one i start to worry that something happend. it does not help when i call there house and there parental gardian thinks that they are with me.....and i dont know what to say to them. i should stay calm but then i start to think. why would my friend tell there parental gardian that they are with me. and not tell me. i mean i dont mind lying for my friends depending on what they are going to do or wear they are going but i would like to be filled in on the fact that they are supposed to be with me so i know this.

otherwise i get worried no only that but i feel like im fucking over my friends in saying actually im sorry but they are not with me i was actually calling to find out where they are...shit.

then i once again think of worse case senerio insstead of remaing calm and thinking where are they normallywhen they are not home. and i stupidly start calling places instead of staying calm and i picture my friends in the worse case senerio and i try to think of what i can do. and i escallade situations instead of giving that friend his/her space like i should.

and this tends to not turn out good.

i really need to find some kind of school to that will teach me to calm the fuck down. becuase otherwise im eventually going to push someone over the edge.

cause as of yet..my over reacting/ overthinking situations has not helped situations but in fact made them worse.

so im house sitting. and i dont have my lappy becasue only a certain number of compys can hook up to the wireless. i tryed adding favorites in stephans computer so i have a couple. i found some of my regualar websites that i check. but i also notised that some peoples blogs dont have a follow option so i am not able to read thoes blogs...matt i need your blog link. and if anyone can recomend good websites to check out. if your going to recomend comics i already found least i could do, explosm, girls with sling shots, ctr-alt-del, and xkct or something. anyway yes.

today was fun we bought steak and went to the scottish butcher and have had fun so far and shannon and i and possibly fiona are going to go and see transformers tonight so that should be fun.

anyway addy is making dinner and i should go and help her with that. because we are all going to be eating it and its not fair to make her do all the work. plus if she does do all the work i will have to do all the dishes

i need to learn how to cook

i hate hearing hampters in the middle of the nights

stupid dog is going to sleep in addys room from now on..fucking barked

shannon yawns really lowdly when she is tired she can sleep on the couch from now on :P

anyway im off

it is fathers day

so its fathersday. the day where we are supposed to show love and respcet our dads. and with me i am 100% cool with doing this with my father.

i love giving him presents and showing him love. but i have been having a thought the past couple of days leading up to fathers day. there are really some dads in this world who do not deserve to get presents or get wished happy fathers day. i know this sounds really harsh right now but it is true. i mean i have friends who have fathers who they have not seen sence they were 14. or fathers who all around are not good people. now im not talking simply about one friend who has a dad who it apears made some bad choices in his father daughter realationship. what i am talking about is the men who are not fathers..in the sence of the word.

father:a man who exercises paternal care over other persons; paternal protector or provider.

so if your abusing and abandoning your kids. im sorry but in my mind that does not make you a father. if your being manipulative and lacking love you are not a father. if you are pushing your kids aside for your own benifite. once again you are not a father.

just because some man was too stupid to wear a condom. or some women was not smart enough to use birth control that does not make you a parent. that makes you an idiot. a parent is exsiactly what is says in the defition of father (without the male part) someone who is loving, and cares for you. not someone who is making your life more difficult. or someone who makes you struggle.

i know for me i am spoiled in alot of ways in my life. and the fact that i was born into such a loving family with parents who actually know what it means to be parents who actually care for me and look after me is one of them. parents who strive to make my life easier instead of more difficult. now one of the reasons for this i think may be partly because my father himself did not have the best father. and he is constintly struggling to make sure he does not make the same mistakes that his father did and that he is always here for us and to provide us with a loving inviroment. even though both of his kids could no longer be considered kids but instead are considered adults.

and yet as i write this another thought comes into my mind. it is the quote that goes something like you cant choose your family but you can choose your friends. this quote makes me thankful of that fact.

and then once again i place in here a definition. family:a group of people who are generally not blood relations but who share common attitudes, interests, or goals and, frequently, live together.

that to me sounds like my friends. and i know for a fact that certain friends i actually do call my little sister and such. you i do fully consider family. i do wish you to know that ill be here to look out for you. that you are family.

maybe we can chose our family..maybe the quote is wrong. because that definition really makes all my friends sound like family. i would not choose to be around people i dont like.

i know im going off track with this topic. but what i think i am mainly trying to get across in this blog post is simply this. for thoes of you who do have a loving father and a good family. please do your best to show your dad that you love him today. because if he is anything like my father he deserves it. and he probably worked really hard to give you the good life that you have and to support you.
and for thoes friends of mine who dont have such a good family life or a good relationship with there father. i openly consider you my family. i would not have made you my friends other wise. because it is not just the family that you live with but the family that you choose who shape you. who make you who you are. and who you should thank every once and a while. so to thoes friends happy fathers day. you have been great to me and if we are going by the definition of father which is careing and protective you have all been fathers.(yes females can be fathers too). and i hope that some of you can see me in the same light too. but if not. all i can say is that im here for you and that i love you.

best wishes

happy fathers day <3

love love love <3

i lack creatvity. no thats not right. i lack creativity right now. its late. and i dont feel like writing a poem or anything of the sort. but i wish to put something beautiful on here. something expressing love. and so i thought i would put one of my all time favorite love songs on here. off here are they lyrics. the song is "the rain song" by led zeppelin:


This is the springtime of my loving - the second season I am to know
You are the sunlight in my growing - so little warmth I've felt before.
It isn't hard to feel me glowing - I watched the fire that grew so low.

It is the summer of my smiles - flee from me Keepers of the Gloom.
Speak to me only with your eyes. It is to you I give this tune.
Ain't so hard to recognize - These things are clear to all from
time to time.

Talk Talk - I've felt the coldness of my winter
I never thought it would ever go. I cursed the gloom that set upon us...
But I know that I love you so

These are the seasons of emotion and like the winds they rise and fall
This is the wonder of devotion - I see the torch we all must hold.
This is the mystery of the quotient - Upon us all a little rain must fall.

urge to go on rant growing. this is not going to come out how i want it to sound. i can say that right now but here is my attempt.

so before i start on a blog/rant here is a definition of beauty that i found in a dictonary:

the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern, or something else (as a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest).

so in this definition i dont see any specific example of what someone should look like to be considered beautiful. it just says that it should bring satifaction to the mind. so tha screams to me the whole saying that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
why is it that we are going by magazines idea of beauty why is it that we can look at one person









and consider them beautiful because of traits that are common with societys standards but not common in real women who have actual lives. women who are not constintly in the media. women who have a life and are beautiful all the same.

like i said why is one immage considered beautiful and not another.

im tired of hearing girls compare themselfs to others. saying i whish i had her legs or her hair or her boobs (yes i know i am guilty of doing some of this myself) but why are we only looking at the one definition of beauty. why are we only looking ath the physical. in the definition that i first said at the begining of this blog it clearly said "as a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest". personality. that is a big thing too. i mean you can take the most beautiful girl in the world (whatever that might look like in your mind) but if she is a bitch. she is ugly as fuck.... on a note similar note to this that my dad has said to me is "thoes really good looking bitchy girls are fun for a while. but then you grow up and you realize that you would rather be with someone who you actually like to spend time with. someone who you relate to. there are two types of girls. the kind that are only good for one thing. and the kind that you actually want to bring home to your family".

now my turn. just becasue a guy you like does not notise you...or does not want in your pants. does not mean you are not good looking. this does not mean jack shit. especially if you are still in high school. it may be the guy who is an egotistical jerk (this goes both way).

to many girls start to judge there looks based on how men (or women depending what they are into) treat them. and im sorry but im just going to say this ...THATS FUCKING RETARTED. stop putting yourself down

stop needing a man to justify to yourself that you look good

stop reading fashion magazines unless you are grown up enough to realize how fake the women in thoes magazines really are (dud i mean have you ever seen how fucking skinny and stupid thoes women look)

we all have our fat days. this i know. i mean even i have fat days and im one of the thinists chicks in my group of friends. but it is one thing to have a fat day and to actually put yourself down. to dig yourself in a whole. please laddies and men(i know this blog post is mainly directed towards girls sorry). you dont need to do that.

open your eyes and see that you are beautiful. especially all the girls that i know. even the ones that i dont get along with that well (not bad pesonalities. just sometimes people just dont get along for some reasons)

men all this goes for you too. you dont need to be super tall, you dont need to have the rocken six pack. and honestly you dont need to brag about having a big penis or anything along that.

when will people open their eyes.

you are beautiful!!!

things on my mind:

-house sitting soon. going to be so much fun, going to have freedom. going to get owned by addy several times. going to miss my bed, going to miss my shower. going to miss my record player. going to have so much fun but am also going to enjoy comming home at the end of it

- ahhhh why does my dad insist on waking me up early for pancakes. i love the food and i love that he is doing something for me and being all around awesome but sometimes all a girl wants is to sleep in

- working with red head again to today. hopefully it wont be so bad. hopeing. she does bitch about everyone at the store and slack at work and bugs the crap out of me. luckaly i am working at the kiosk today so i wont have to work with her much.

- yesterday was fun. bbq was good. tackling boyfriend was fun but in the long run was a stupid idea. i think i pulled a muscel in my leg and now it hurts to walk. work is going to be fun with a sore leg. today is going to be a long day because

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- how pissed i was when i thought thsi all got deleted right before i actually went to work then how happy i was right now at karens seeing that it did not get deleted

- why are words like fuck considered bad intoday society. and why do we seem to have to say the so called bad words before we figure out that they are bad.

-penis penis penis penis...im imature. but yes that word is always on my mind

- i lost my random train of thought

- there is a sexy women sitting behind me with messy hair and a hoddy thats too big for her...thats hot

this happens every year. i get exsited for my birthday leading up to it but then the closer i get to the actual date the more i want to freez time and not have my birthday at all. the more i start to wish i could fly and go to neverland (although in the original story girls did not go to never land but whatever).

its not that i dont wanna grow up because i fear the responsibility that comes with getting older. its just some of the changes that happen. i donno. i used to find the idea of giving myself a birthday party lots of fun. but now i just dont want to acknolage the fact that i am getting older. its weird cause even though i do not look it at all. i am one of maybe the second oldest person in our little group of friends.

ahhh stupid birthdays

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im tired from working full time now. seems like already somedays the only thing that keeps me going at work is the thoughts of the fun things i get to do when i am no longer at work such as chillen with friends, going to a green day concert (i should really listen to the cd more before i go there i realy dont like being at a concert when i dont know the lyrics. it bugs me). and then cali with fiona. i just keep telling myself over and over these are the reasons why i am at work. to get money to go on these fun adventures


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i am not practising driving standard as much as i should be. i mean there is a pretty car sitting in my garage just for me. and if i learn how to drive properly and i get my full licence then it is all mine. to drive and to look cool and awesome. but part of me does not want the pretty car. even thought i told all my friends that i have it. part of me wants to just keep my beater car. it has peronality i tell myself. i dont know why i keep procrastinating on stuff but i do. and the whole driver licence. pretty car thing does not seem as big of a deal to me as it did about 3 weeks ago. im more into hanging with friends and continually attmepting to find time to just chill with my boyfrend rather then rushing off to get my licence....even thought there is a little voice (and both of my parents) that are telling me i should do that.

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i was bored with shannon yesterday so when my mom was cooking we just started narating what she was doing and were calling it lindas cooking show. she joined in. and took a big swig of here beer. said it was to keep the cook calm

******

aggg im off to work now. i dont wanna go. i have to work with the red head for 8 hours today. shoot me now

omg yay so i have officially boughten my ticket to go to san fran with fiona. i am soooo happy. it is going to be an adventure. i have wanted to get off the island for so long and this summer it is actually going to happen which makes me happy. now dont get me wrong the little island that i live on can be great. but being stuck here year after year sometimes can be enough to make somone want to find a good bludgening object and smack themself right in the head. but no worries about me doing that this year :P cause i have a tickit to get out of here. oh man fiona and i started blasting the song if your going to san fransisco after we bought our tickits. its officially going to be our song. ims exsited about our adventure.

the plan is that on the 19th of august we are going to leave for seattle becasue it is cheaper to fly from seattle then it is to fly from here. that night we are going to pay to stay somewere in seattle. and the next morning on the 20th we are going to head to the airport and get on our plan and go to san fran. (yaaaaay). we should be spending about 3 days in san fran just being totaly hippies. checking out the cool shops. we might go to the prision that is there. just cause we want to go visit alcatras (sp?) the old cool prision. that would be neat. then after a couple days in san fran we are going to make our way down to los angelos and go to some amusment parks. you know california advenutre, knotts berry farm, hollywod studios all that crap. it really depends on how much money that we have and how much we really wanna see. maybe go to disney land.

then we head back to san fran and hang there till the 3rd of september which is when we fly back to seattle. so we will probs be back on the island by the 4th at the latest. which gives me lots of times considering i dont think that schoool starts till the 7th of september. but yes this augest is going to be sooo awesome. fiona already put a down payment on a hostel for the first three nights that we are there. it is about 30 bucks a night to stay there. and it should be a party. i still need to go and get travelers insurance. we are planning on buying a california rail pass because there is a train that leaves from san fran and goes to all the destinations that we wish to go and see. so this should be fun

oh and im going camping with chris and a bunch of other peoples in august also. that is happening on the tenth. and going till the 17th at the very latests. which means i will luckaly have the 18th to pack before fiona and i go off on our epic california adventure.

man its hot here im going to burn in cali
or come back with a wickid tan
my parents are worried cause i all ready look like a hippy. my moms words were "i fear, all the stuff that your going to bring back with you from san fransisco with you"

i just laughed i like looking like a hippy. this adventure should be fun.

i still need to talk to my boss about getting august off. i should do that soon.

i loves adventures

dear annoying red head coworker:

dear annoying red head coworker please learn not take everything so personally. when im asking you to move a little quicker and go on your break its not becasue i think your working slow its becasue i want you to go and finish your break so i can go home and not have to stay late like i had to tonight.

it would be nice if you would listen to me. i know your in your fifties and im just turning twenty but i have been working here longer then you. i know what im doing. i am not trying to boss you around im just trying to get the job done. you dont have to always double check everything that i say with the manager. it annoys me and im sure that it annoys her as well.

it would be nice if you learned to sighn the sheet and fill out forms and do other jobs that you seem to like to pass onto me just becasue you do not wanna do it. its not fair. im usually already working on something then i have to run over and do whatever it is that you should be doing. this is espically annoying on closing shifts becasue i know that even though you should be doing something, if i do not do it then i know for a fact we will not get out on time and i do not want to be staying late becasue of you.

please be a little more focused, your not new, if you were i would have a bit more sympathy. stop running to me there are other people to ask questions.
thank you.

i know my coworker is never going to read that but i just really needed to vent. today was along day at work. there was all that. and then when i did get off work today. i got off late. and then when i tryed to swipe my pass to get out of the parking lot the gate would not go up. five minutes later it did...and was stuck up. wow today was not my day. frustrating. yesterday was better. i swam for three hours.

i miss the lake already.

oh on a funny note. today at work a guy game in and on his right earlobe he had three peircings. and no pericings on his left. the thought that went through my head that i was tempted to ask but i did not was

so does that mean that your triple gay?