my face is streaked with tears and i feel like im going to throw up. no its not because im sick. its not even because i lost someone close to me. i just having a really bad fucking day. i feel like the shit is hitting the fan majourly. so this is how my day goes i wake up after a good nights sleep everything feels good. i pack my bag head downstairs and grab some food and go to turn on my computer. and guess what it is fucked up. the screen is all pixalaited and i cant do anything,. i officially hate pc laptops and am going to spend my money on a mac even if that causes me to be out 2 thousand dollers at least that way ill have a fucking computer that knows how to fucking work. then i get up to the bus stop. well waiting there i realize shit i forgot my text book. with no time to run back to my house and grab it i figure i can do without it for a day. then when i get to school today i look in my bag and i forgot my felt story, so i need to borrow one from the teacher for our group recordings. today we had to record ourself reading a story to our peers for our teacher to review and give us some tips before we actually do it in the feild.
after this i go to lunch and i start to feel a bit better. this is because originally i thought i had five papers due next week but cause classes got switched around i know only have four. which means less work for me. and i can type up the two papers that i have not yet done on the desktop that we have at home. i also get a paper back from a class that has a b grade. which makes me happy. and makes me less stressed out about my grades. then my last class comes around. and i get a paper back at the end of that class. thinking that i did a good job on this paper i flip to the back eagerly to see my mark. and what do i see...a fucking F. why the hell did i get an F. well i want to say its because my teacher is a stupid fucking bitch, but when i look at the grading system she says its because i did not include my observations.
is she blind they are stapled right to the fucking page. she said they were rough drafts so she did not mark them as observations, because they were hand writen. well i would understand anyother time getting a bad mark in a post secondary insitution for handing in something hand writiten this pisses me off becuase earlier she said that it was better if it was handed in hand writen that way she knows that we actually did the fucking observations instead of just bullshiting it and typing it up. and now because mine happen to be hand writen she give me an f? does this not seem unfair to anyone else.
so im upset. so much so that i feel like im going to throw up, like im not good enough. i mean i have been buged and teased enough by friends saying how easy this two year course to be a preschool teacher must be. so how stupid do i feel if i cant even get a good mark in this, how stupid am i if i cant get good marks in this. i feel like a fucking retard, like a looser. if i cant do this how am i ever going to amount to any career. i fear that i will be one of thoes people stuck in shitty part time jobs for the rest of my life. and thats not me, thats not what i want to do. if im going to be here on this planet i want a job that actually has an effect on the world. one where i make no a difference. and working in some shitty part time job does not make a fucking difference in the world. teaching would if i can get fucking good grades. and jobs that my friends want to get into would like
karen,: she writes and she wants to be in the navy, at least there she will be making a difference. same with addy, and josh who is going to be a history teacher.
all these people get decent grades and are doing well why arnt i what the fuck is wrong with me, why do i feel so stupid and uncapable right now. im thinking about previous years i had in college like when i took some history courses how come i was able to get b+'s in thoees course and not in a fucking early childhood course. what is up with this. and i think and think about other things that interest me and getting some sort of degree in history, or art history sound pretty fucking awesome. i dont know how much of a difference it would make but it sounds cool. but then there is this little voice saying if you switch degress again your just a quiter, your giving up. you already did that once to your parents and now your going to do it again. i feel even worse switching and getting bad marks cause its my parents money not mine.
they saved and saved and saved so that i could get an good education and when i get bad marks it feels like im just slapping them across the face. i mean it would be different if i was spending my own money for school but im not, i dont have that money.
and now i feel helpless, and stupid and like a failure, im doing bad in two courses. even though i feel like im trying.
i dont know what to do, part of me say switch programs to history thats something you really find interesting. other say dont if you do your just a quiter and youll be costing your parents to much fucking money. and you will have waisted your time. another part of me says i should just struggle through this semester live with whatever marks i get and then take a year off to go traveling but then there is the voice saying its too late to do that, and you dont really have enough money. and once again you will be letting your parents down.
i really dont know what to do. like i said i feel like a failure and a disapointment.
i traped under a rock of bad grades
overall this has just been a really shitty day!!
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5 comments:
Holy fuck. That is EPIC bad day right there.
So...the computer, you've already heard my thoughts on that. Plus I would advise getting a Mac no matter how much money it is, because at least they freaking WORK.
Your teacher is really starting to aggravate me. She's hypocritical beyond belief, changing her marking system (handwritten verses typed) and although I'm only hearing one side of the story, lately it's been sounding like she's been picking on you. The sort of perfectionism that she's demonstrating seems better suited for university than college, in my opinion.
Thirdly, don't you fucking DARE say you don't make a difference. As much as I hate kids, I know that they're our next generation of politicians and doctors and parents, and that their rearing is one of the most important things we can do. The people, aside from their parents, who teach them good values and manners from the start, are absolutely crucial educators.
You will NOT be letting your parents down if you choose another course. What you're doing now makes a difference to your entire life, not just the next couple of years -- it's training you for a career path. If you're starting to realize through classes and practicum that early childhood development isn't the career path for you, and that it might make you unhappy, you have to weigh the options and figure out if it's enough of a thing to switch paths. Most importantly, you have to switch paths for YOU, not because you don't want to disappoint your parents. It's your life, not theirs. You're not taking advantage of them, you're trying to find out your place in the world -- a thing which isn't easy at the best of times, let alone the stressful atmosphere of college.
I hope I don't come across as critical or anything. Text is so vague. I love you to death and I'll support you no matter what choice you make. <3
luara at least ur career plan helps little people mine is to just try to make pretty pictures to make people happy for a minute or so but thats about it, secondly some of the best people that say things are really easy, they lie, or they need help from some other source
May I point out that your major has a better chance of providing a steady income and actually making a difference compared to someone majoring in say, art theory. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)
I wouldn't hesitate to speak with one of the counsellors or contact the ombudsperson if you feel you are being treated unfairly. Your tuition is paying for them, after all.
~The Muse
First, It is all to easy for someone to say a course is easy when they have not taken it...
Second, you shouldn't feel stupid if you misunderstood the grading system(or if she changed it). You need to go an ask for a chance to correct your "mistake" or to get her to actually grade your work.
Third, I agree/reiterated everything everyone else already commented except for anonymous....that one is just weird
Pff... you remember what I hope to aim for? Dog trainer. Not the hardest thing in the world. You are not wasting your time. If anything the teacher is with not accepting such things. Did she say that the observations had to be typed? Lots of love for Laura.
You should really look at what Karen wrote. She has some amazing points.
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