random thoughts in my head well at work:

-who the hell spends 200 dollers at a gift shop? this stuff is over priced crap.

- why do i show compasion for things that creep me out...like spiders. i mean they are ugly but that does not mean that they should be killed. what makes our lifes so much more valuable then theirs? just because they are bugs. i used to kill spieders till i read a phantom book. erik considered himself ugly like a spider and got really angry about them getting killed. after reading that book i stoped killing spiders i would put them outside. then i heard somewere that when you put house spiders outsied they usualy die because they are not used to being ouside. that made me sad so i no longer put house spieders out side. ill see one running across the floor and just aviod it. or ill try to put them on house plans and such in hope that they will kill the annoying flys.

- is it okay do do one really bad thing for the greater good of the human race. would you be able to shoot one of your pest friend in the head if doing so brought about world peace? would you be able to let your best friend shoot you in the head if doing so brought about world peace?

- i find it funny that they used to consider left handed people spawns of satan considering im left handed and i feel guilty even if i kill a spider?

- what would humans be like if we were actually a sexual? did not need love in order to mate. did not need a partner.

- why do really fundametalist christains want everyone to be christain? i know they think it would be better and there souls would be saved and all that jazz. but in all honesty if every one was the same it would be lame. i would miss the world being so culturaly diverse. i would miss people being different in their own little way. if everyone was christain or if everyone was some kind of religion this world would be sooo bery boring.

- all differnt kinds of people get ranted about. the hippies, the emos, the freaks, the gays, the punks, the christains, any one who is considered not the norm...well the majority of my friends and me fit into thoes categories and i think they are better and more loyal people then that the leaders of social conformity chose to belive.



i know i had other thoughts well randomly pricing crap and putting it out today but i cannot remember what all of them were.

what goes down, must come up..you know like a trampoline

this summer is looking good to me. im exsited im thinking its going to be a good un. okay so at first my summer started out really crapy for a number of reasons.

1) my grandma died. this really sucked, and yes that is an understatment. it made not only me emo, but also my entire family...i saw my dad cry...that was not normal for me

2) i was running low on money cause i spend all my money on my firends

3) i was feeling left out of some fun things becasue i have to work full time

4) i heard from my dad that i could not go to the green day concert because tickets whent on sale the day of my grandmas funeral and obviously we are not bailing out of a funeral so that we can go and get tickets for a concert. ahhh they sold out


but you know. i think i am really starting to belive in karma. the fact that when bad things happen to you something good has to be just around the courner. becasue things are starting to look good

first of.
1) i do get to go to the green day concert. becasue my dad found tickets and it is going to be friken awesome. i saw them when they game to vancouver in 2005 and i cant wait to see them again

2) i has more money. well not yet but my grandma has left me a good deal of money in her will. im not going to say how much becasue my friends already know and i dont wanna be like omg guys look how much i have on the internet. but i get the money officialy on monday. this means i can save for important things like downpayments on an apartment and such for when i want to move out. and also addy this means i can spend more money on you, dont argue bitch im doing it!!!

3) i have trips and adventures planed this summer. chris wants to go up to parksville again and bring me...that should be fun. the funny thing was that this whole dicesion was made through a text message conversation...in old english. that fair prince christopher is wise beyond his years. also im going to san fran in august with fiona, we are going to dress up like hippies. but i have also come to the conclusion that if she does not have enough money to go after all im not going to worry becasue i can go and have an adventure by myself. i hope to have her come, or have a friend come if she cant. but i am not going to be stuck on the rock this summer like last summer. if no one can come with me im going to be the lone hippy back backing in sanfran

so yes. adventures money and concerts. what more could a girl ask for. i still wanna go camping sometime this summer so i might have to sort that out. lizzard lake is a fun place. my parents used to take me there. i should get some directions and i could go there again.

due to supidity the last blog post was removed :P

new blog post to be, posted when i have more time but as for now i have to run of to work and get a lecture from my boss and try to deal with grumpy customers. oh and by the way



HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATTHEW!!!!!!!!!!! <3

so i was saying to addy that i usualy dont post a blog unless i feel like i have something important about me to say, or just have something to say. this is because i find my old blog posts embarasssing. addy gave me this kinda well then look. and iv been thinking i should just do a random not so important blog. or at least attempt. so my idea is im going to write down a list of things that people probs dont know about me. this is going to be hard considering im really open and close with all my friends but here is my attempt.

thing you probably dont know about me

1) even though my dad had a tough life as a teenager and i know i shouldent. sometimes i envy him because of his stories, his adventures and the era that he grew up in. his era had the best music, and my life sometimes feels way to tame compared to his.

2) most of you know that i really wanna go on an adventure, that i wanna get out of sidney. and for a while that i have been really into the idea of going to scotland but. i have come to the conclusion that the only reason why i wanted to go there was becasue it was the first place that poped into my mind that would be a good place to go to, to get the fuck out of sidney. i dont know what was really special about scotland for me...now it just seems like a random place

3) when my friends are emo and i cant make them feel better in some form i start to feel traped. i wonder if im being a good enough friend, if im trying hard enough. it especially sucks for me when i have a no intellegent response when they are ranting to me about what is going on. this is hard for me because me being on of the older people in my group of friends i feel like i should be the one with good feed back. i should have life experience that can help. i feel my life is too easy compared to others and its not fair. if i had to have a miserable year just so you could have one more hour of happieness i would!

4) the first time i got in trouble at school was elementry school. it was kindergarden. i got sent to the corner because i pinned a boy under a table and kissed him. this thought makes me laugh now and im kinda thinking it explains some of my now/ later in life behaviour.


5) i had one really close friend in elementry school who was friends with me despite the fact that others would call me names and bully me. his name was dylan e (i know his but just incase i do meet him again, he might find it weird that i posted his name on the interwebs or something so im just using the inital). he moved away at the end of grade five. i still wonder where he is, and what he is doing. i occasionally facebook him hoping i will find a profile. he was a good friend even though it was only elementry school..and i miss him.

6) i watch shows like south park, and family guy, and seinfeld and now i like them and find them funny. but i originally just started watching them becasue my brother watched them. it was a way for me to hang out with him. considering there was a time in our lives when i was just the stupid younger sister who he did not wanna have anything to do with. this was a good way for me to push into his life.

7) i went through phases when i wanted to be different things when "i grew up". vet, archeologist, artist and teacher. i gave up vet because i could not bear the idea of having to put down an animal. im too sensitive i even cry when an animal dies in a movie. i gave up archeologist because i fail at math. and there is a great deal of math needed in that proffession, although i still find anthropology and archeology really interesting. i gave up being an artist because i cant draw worth crap, i only wanted to be this for a little while in elementry school anyway. i still wanna be a teacher, preschool teacher. i hope i never give this one up.

8) when i was a kid i loved to wash dishes, i would pretend that the cups i were washing were boats and would have lots of fun. occasionally when im asked to wash dishes i will still have fun doing it becasue the little kid in me comes out, although working at tim hortons for nine months kinda killed that a bit.

9) the tips of my fingers look kinda gross, this is because partly out of habbit i pick at them. i do this when im bored, worried, nervous or exsited. its a bad habbit which im trying to break.

10) for the longest time in my life i was always the pretty girls friend. it was not very often that i would be the one who guys would look at first. now at this period in my life that i do seem to be getting more attention, i find it kinda weird. im not used to it. even though i wont say it outloud when someone says im beautiful..in my head im sometimes thinking..are you sure?


yep these are ten things that you probably dont know about me. i thinks it would be cool if thoes friends who read this blog posted something similar. you dont have to, i know it gets annoying when people turn things like this into stupid forwards but whatever.

11) i never know how to end a blog properly without it sounding to me like i just eneded it in the middle of a thought. how does one end a blog post properly?

this week for me has definitly been filled with its ups and its downs. i had to go to a funeral and then a wedding the next day. and i feel kinda bad that i bailed out of the second half of the wedding. this was because of some drama and other shit that i had on my mind that day and i realy could not stand being around a buch of people. i know that makes me kinda sound like a jerk but i could not do it. i had to get away from the giant groups of people and just going to my group of friends. my little serious coffee group. i swear we are almost becoming like a self help group. once a week we gather at sc, get some food or something to drink and just sit there, and talk. i mean we talk about everything. sometimes its retarted stuff, full out immature talks about sex and dumb penis jokes. but other times we seem to get into deeper conversations about the big things like life, love and faith. we talk about who we are what we want to do with our lives and wear we want to go. i know that group has had so much drama in it over the time. and there are people who dont like going sometimes or who have just stoped going altogether. i mean i have had feeling of not wanting to go and hang with the group sometimes. but then there are the times when i feel like i need them. these are some of the main people who support me in my life. and it amazing how long it took for me to notice how important these people are to me, and how lucky i am to have all of them as friends. (wow this is getting sappy).

there are so many examples that i could list of how they are great and how they support me and have helped me at certain times. but i would there would have to be a blog entrie for each person to go into enough detail. so the one person that i am going to use in this example is chris (yep thats right christopher you get a blog mention, yay!!). so saturday i was not having a good day, weird drama shit occured with one of my friends, that even know i have sorta talked out with this person but we have not quite settled it. partly because im not fully ready to rant to them. any way because of all this shit that was going on in my mind i skiped out on the second half of one of my really good friends sarahs wedding. i know thats going to come back to kick me in the but. sent her an e-mail trying to explain and apologise but she is newly married and probs to busy to check e-mail. anyway chris could tell that i was not ....happy to say the least. and i talked with him for a bit then he asked me to go for a walk. this is one of the things that i love about chris (yes this can be a gundam point). his ability to make little offers like going for a walk and talking but yet in the end, you gain a great deal out of them. he is one of thoes friends where it is clear that he does truly care and he does want you to be happy. not just because he him self does not wanna be around emo people (if that were the case he could just go home) but because he does not like seeing his friends in that state. or at least thats the way i get it. he has this great power to actualy listen to a friend in need, which can seem like a simple thing but it is surprising how many friends even though they may not be talking are not actually listening.

anyway he made me feel way better. and after that talk my week seemed to just go upwards from then. i started to reflect on my grandmas funeral more. i did it alot. it was actually quite cool for a funeral. let me put it this way. my grandma graduated from nursing school in 1952. there were about maybe only 30 people who graduated that year including her. 7 of these people from that school came to her funeral. on of them was her roomate of 2 years. i found that really cool. i found it neat that after all these years these people who went to school toghether who were in their own little group were still hanging out, comming together it was really cool to see them. made me wonder if i am the one to die first in my little group of friends how many of the sc group will come to my funeral? will they have interesting stories to tell about me? have i left any kind of decent mark on my friends..that has impacted there life on a meaningful level..all the penis jokes aside. its funny right now i can picture karen yelling at me saying something like "fuck yes you impacted me laura" then going on a huge speal..yet still i wonder.

my dad said something pretty awesome at my grandmas funeral that i have also been replaying. my grandma had a water closet apperently were people would just write up quotes..she contributed to alot of them, quotes that she really liked. quotes would always get replaced..drawn over by new ones. it was not often that just one would stay there. there was one quote that my dad said that did stay writen up for a really long time. anyway this is what he said at the funeral (taken from his notes that i found on the compy)

"

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and
the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to
find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a
healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know
even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to
have succeeded."

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Mom, your life was a success, and I love you."

this quote touched me..hearing the stories of my grandma touched me she did everything in this quote from what people said at her funeral. she accomplished so much. and i cant help but wonder have i been succeding in life? or could i try just a little bit harder?

know what i hate that feeling of being emo. know what i hate even more that feeling of being emo when you feel like there is no reason for it, or when there is a reason for it but you just dont think its a good enough reason. i donno. so yesterday well i was driving to work i saw that my dad was calling me. i though you know that is odd so i pulled over and i took the call. my dad was calling me to let me know that my grandma had died. and that i could still go to work if i wanted to but that he was going into victoria to talk to people and get things sorted out after this. for the first couple of minutes i just sat in my car and cryed. i cryed. for my grandma. i mean i know she has been slowly faiding for a while, i should be expecting it. but as i was crying i was not really crying over the old lady who i saw slowly faiding in a wheel chair for half of my life. the women who forgot who i was, and desperatly got confused when we had her over for dinner. no i was crying for the women that she was. i cryed for the grandma who used to take me and my brother to the park, and too the petting zoo. the women who would have us over for sleepovers and who would always have goodies in her cubord. the women who looked out for us.

i remember one time when it was winter, it was the blizzard of 96 so there was alot of snow, i must have been 7. and anyway my dad drove us to victoria in his 4 by 4 truck with a sled. and we went to this really steap hill that was right by my grandmas house. my brother who was 9 at the time sat at the front of the sled and i sat at the back. well going down we crashed into something and i went flying off the sled over my brother and landed face first into the snow. my parents quickly picked me up and tryed to make me feel better but i was still sad. after that we went to my grandmas house and there i was welcomed with warm hot chocolate and the love of my grandma.

its little memories that is how i like to remember her, that is what i cryed over. the fact that that loving caring women was gone from my life. after getting out of work i went home yesterday and emo'd out for a while. then i just got this feeling of wanting to run, run out of the house. go somewere else do something house just not have to think about the sadness, and just be distracted. so i went and hung out with stephan and other friends. i made jokes and did my usual silly stuff well still thinking of my grandma. i was also a jerk....yesterday well trying to distract myself from the sadness of the day, trying to get comfort from thoes around me well without thinking about it excluding the one of the main people who i should have talked to, who i should have let comfort me. but for somereason was the one person i did not go to. and that is what makes me a jerk..... im not going to go into to much more detail about that because that person and i still need to talk i thinks, and posting everything on the internet is not a smooth or elegent way to deal with it.

but anyway after a whole day of trying to be happy, around my friends and just wanting to be out of the house near the end before i went home. the sadness started to sink in, with full force. .i got sad over stuff i did, and over my grandma being gone. so i went home. i went home and read poetry. and then today when i woke up i read poetry. i still feel emo a bit, and i dont know if i wanna go out with my friends like i said i would, but i dont want to just sit here tonight, i kinda wanna spend one on one time with someone, but part of me is hopeing that i dont have to make the effort to grab the phone and have to call someone and say hey lets go out. im hopeing that someone will call me, and be like hey laura lets go do something just you and i ill pay this time. a friend saying i know your sad but dont worry ill look after you. i dont mean to sound like a jerk who only does things hopeing it will come back and someone will do something for me. but when my friends are sad i know i have gone and picked them up and payed for stuff for them and taken them out and done stuff...bought flowers bought dinner, and i know this has not always made them feel better but i did it.

and i have yet to have someone do that for me. wow this post is way to emo for me. now my parents just ruiend my train of though by telling me to go walk the dog...so i should go do that. but before i do i wanna post one poem that i read this morning that made me feel a bit better.


I Think Continually Of Those Who Were Truly Great
Stephen Spender

I think continually of those who were truly great.
Who, from the womb, remembered the soul's history
Through corridors of light where the hours are suns
Endless and singing. Whose lovely ambition
Was that their lips, still touched with fire,
Should tell of the Spirit clothed from head to foot in song.
And who hoarded from the Spring branches
The desires falling across their bodies like blossoms.

What is precious is never to forget
The essential delight of the blood drawn from ageless springs
Breaking through rocks in worlds before our earth.
Never to deny its pleasure in the morning simple light
Nor its grave evening demand for love.
Never to allow gradually the traffic to smother
With noise and fog the flowering of the spirit.

Near the snow, near the sun, in the highest fields
See how these names are fŠted by the waving grass
And by the streamers of white cloud
And whispers of wind in the listening sky.
The names of those who in their lives fought for life
Who wore at their hearts the fire's center.
Born of the sun they traveled a short while towards the sun,
And left the vivid air signed with their honor.