know what i hate that feeling of being emo. know what i hate even more that feeling of being emo when you feel like there is no reason for it, or when there is a reason for it but you just dont think its a good enough reason. i donno. so yesterday well i was driving to work i saw that my dad was calling me. i though you know that is odd so i pulled over and i took the call. my dad was calling me to let me know that my grandma had died. and that i could still go to work if i wanted to but that he was going into victoria to talk to people and get things sorted out after this. for the first couple of minutes i just sat in my car and cryed. i cryed. for my grandma. i mean i know she has been slowly faiding for a while, i should be expecting it. but as i was crying i was not really crying over the old lady who i saw slowly faiding in a wheel chair for half of my life. the women who forgot who i was, and desperatly got confused when we had her over for dinner. no i was crying for the women that she was. i cryed for the grandma who used to take me and my brother to the park, and too the petting zoo. the women who would have us over for sleepovers and who would always have goodies in her cubord. the women who looked out for us.

i remember one time when it was winter, it was the blizzard of 96 so there was alot of snow, i must have been 7. and anyway my dad drove us to victoria in his 4 by 4 truck with a sled. and we went to this really steap hill that was right by my grandmas house. my brother who was 9 at the time sat at the front of the sled and i sat at the back. well going down we crashed into something and i went flying off the sled over my brother and landed face first into the snow. my parents quickly picked me up and tryed to make me feel better but i was still sad. after that we went to my grandmas house and there i was welcomed with warm hot chocolate and the love of my grandma.

its little memories that is how i like to remember her, that is what i cryed over. the fact that that loving caring women was gone from my life. after getting out of work i went home yesterday and emo'd out for a while. then i just got this feeling of wanting to run, run out of the house. go somewere else do something house just not have to think about the sadness, and just be distracted. so i went and hung out with stephan and other friends. i made jokes and did my usual silly stuff well still thinking of my grandma. i was also a jerk....yesterday well trying to distract myself from the sadness of the day, trying to get comfort from thoes around me well without thinking about it excluding the one of the main people who i should have talked to, who i should have let comfort me. but for somereason was the one person i did not go to. and that is what makes me a jerk..... im not going to go into to much more detail about that because that person and i still need to talk i thinks, and posting everything on the internet is not a smooth or elegent way to deal with it.

but anyway after a whole day of trying to be happy, around my friends and just wanting to be out of the house near the end before i went home. the sadness started to sink in, with full force. .i got sad over stuff i did, and over my grandma being gone. so i went home. i went home and read poetry. and then today when i woke up i read poetry. i still feel emo a bit, and i dont know if i wanna go out with my friends like i said i would, but i dont want to just sit here tonight, i kinda wanna spend one on one time with someone, but part of me is hopeing that i dont have to make the effort to grab the phone and have to call someone and say hey lets go out. im hopeing that someone will call me, and be like hey laura lets go do something just you and i ill pay this time. a friend saying i know your sad but dont worry ill look after you. i dont mean to sound like a jerk who only does things hopeing it will come back and someone will do something for me. but when my friends are sad i know i have gone and picked them up and payed for stuff for them and taken them out and done stuff...bought flowers bought dinner, and i know this has not always made them feel better but i did it.

and i have yet to have someone do that for me. wow this post is way to emo for me. now my parents just ruiend my train of though by telling me to go walk the dog...so i should go do that. but before i do i wanna post one poem that i read this morning that made me feel a bit better.


I Think Continually Of Those Who Were Truly Great
Stephen Spender

I think continually of those who were truly great.
Who, from the womb, remembered the soul's history
Through corridors of light where the hours are suns
Endless and singing. Whose lovely ambition
Was that their lips, still touched with fire,
Should tell of the Spirit clothed from head to foot in song.
And who hoarded from the Spring branches
The desires falling across their bodies like blossoms.

What is precious is never to forget
The essential delight of the blood drawn from ageless springs
Breaking through rocks in worlds before our earth.
Never to deny its pleasure in the morning simple light
Nor its grave evening demand for love.
Never to allow gradually the traffic to smother
With noise and fog the flowering of the spirit.

Near the snow, near the sun, in the highest fields
See how these names are fŠted by the waving grass
And by the streamers of white cloud
And whispers of wind in the listening sky.
The names of those who in their lives fought for life
Who wore at their hearts the fire's center.
Born of the sun they traveled a short while towards the sun,
And left the vivid air signed with their honor.